Stuck.

Hello!

I've been pretty absent from my blog lately... The first reason for that is obvious: wedding preparations! There's a lot more to it than I had ever imagined, but it's been a fun process that I'm enjoying overall so I will definitely not complain about that! :)

The rest of the stuff keeping me busy is poker related, so let's jump into it!

First, as I mentioned around the end of February, André and I moved into an office with other players. March has been the adaptation period to say the least. André and I have basically been debating all month long whether we really wanted to stay at the office or not. After a while it got really tiring, cause we couldn't even synchronize our opinions. On the days where I'd say to André "You know what, I don't think it's worth it, let's go back home", he was more keen on staying. Then the next day, after having thought about his arguments I'd re-open the conversation with "Maybe it's better to stay at the office after all..." only to realize that I had done a very good job at convincing him and now he wanted to leave. I can make you a separate post with more info if you'd like, but for now I think I'll spare you the details. Let me know in the comments if you'd be interested in reading a more detailed discussion on what it's like working at a poker office.

After weighing all the pros and cons, we decided to stay. But that was only towards the end of the month, after spending a lot of mental energies on the subject. Energies that could have been better spent elsewhere... Like poker for example!

Getting used to the new environment definitely took some time. Actually even now, after over a month I still don't feel like I'm operating at 100%. It may look as if I'm doing more or less the same schedule, play the same hours, go to the same dance lessons, etc. but my everyday routine has changed. After I get my morning coffee these days I have to prepare a bag with all my meals for the day to take with me and then prepare my gym bag. Every morning that I leave my house I carry so much stuff with me it looks like I'm going away on a trip. I enjoy working at the office and it definitely has its benefits, but at the same time I kind of feel like a nomad. Does that make sense?

Elegant dinning by the candle computer light

Work-wise things have been rather...tough. That's not a term I use often to describe my poker adventures, but in this case it's rather fitting. Let's be honest, I didn't seriously grind during the first two months of the year. So when I decided to get back to work, saying that I was rusty was an understatement. I was going through my poker notes and it was like someone else had written that stuff, not me. While reading I'd think stuff like "Hmm, that makes total sense!" or "Wow, that's really smart!". Making these remarks when talking with your future self would be okay (if that was ever possible). But when you're feeling that your former self of 3-4 months ago was a better player than what you are right now... You have a problem.

Naturally, I turned to studying. I wanted to study a lot but still play a decent amount of time in order to practice. I started with my regular stakes, but lost a bit of money so decided to move further down until I had confidence that I had regained my skill. At the small/medium stakes things seemed to be rather stable, with my graph going up and down around the same spot. Towards the end of the month  of March I decided to drop the small stakes and go back to playing medium stakes only.

I had spent quite some time studying alone. I also studied a bit with André. I felt like I was playing significantly better than before and yet... My graph kept moving down. And since I was playing higher stakes than before, the downfall got a bit more aggressive. Here's my yearly graph up to this point:

Quite ugly. You can make out the period where I dropped a bit on stakes cause the red line stopped dropping so fast. And then when I moved back up, it got steep again.I got to the point where the whole situation started to really mess with my head. I had a great year at the tables in 2014 but doubt is starting to creep in. What if I'm not a winning player anymore? I'm starting to lose my sleep over this, which only makes things worse cause playing tired doesn't help anyone.

And yet, I don't feel like I'm necessarily playing bad poker. If anything, I think I'm playing okay. I'm probably not at my best performance ever, but these results do feel undeserved. I've been studying and trying to improve but I think the part where I have the biggest problem is my mental game. After all, we know that at the hypers it's possible for winning players to have a span of 10k games where they're losing. The real question here is, (if that's what's happening to you) how do you get out of the 10k span without going crazy?

The only solution Andre and I could think of for this problem was Jared Tendler, the author of "The Mental Game of Poker". Earlier last week I had my first mental coaching session with him and I loved it. It didn't make all my problems disappear of course and Jared does not possess a magic wand that makes your downswings go away (unfortunately), but it did help me on an emotional level. I don't wanna say too much for now cause I've only had one session, it's still early and I have a lot of things to work on, but I will be writing more about my sessions with Jared in future posts.

For the time being, one of the big changes I made was to drop even further down on stakes. So these days you'll find me playing the $3.75s and the $6 hyper turbo satellites. I don't know how long this is going to last (not too long I hope!) but it's a good opportunity if you want to play with me but your bankroll didn't allow you to sit at the mid-stakes tables!

I'll be back with another post soon to let you know of my progress. I think it's important for me to talk about the hard times just like I talk about the good ones. From an outsider's perspective it may look like the life of a poker pro is always easy and it's like printing money, but it's not the case. Plus, I'm sure I'm not the only one that is stuck on the negative side of variance. How many of you are going through a downswing now? What do you do to relax and how do you try to turn it around?

See you at the tables! Good luck!